can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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