I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
