I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
