I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
