At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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