Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
