Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
