I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
