Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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