Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
