i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Boobs speak an international language.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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