dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
