I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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