Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
