Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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