just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
