One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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