Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
