You can't special order awesome
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
