she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
