Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
it's great music for shaving your balls
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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