the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
