I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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