I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
