how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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