I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
