someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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