that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
