Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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