I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
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