Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
