Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
