Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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