my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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