I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
