My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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