Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
