We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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