Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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