I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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