If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
