i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
