You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
