I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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