Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
All I want is dick and wine.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
