i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
