my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
