At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
