You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
