SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Randomize
