I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
